Rebelbros Sunday Sabbath Edition: God's Corner

Hey there, fellow brethren!  We here at Rebelbros understand that the dating game can be a cruel world filled with transvestites and broken condoms, so who better to offer advice than the big man upstairs?  That's right, G-O-D in the mothafuckin hizzzzzouse answering your questions about life and love! Let's get right down to business and see what he's got in store this week with God's Corner!

 Amy

26 years old

urinated on an electric fence at age 7

Dear God,

 Last night I wanted to make things more exciting for my boyfriend, so I told him I thought we should move from holding hands to kissing on the mouth.  He became clearly agitated at this suggestion, and shut down almost immediately.  I tried to get him to talk to me but he just insisted he needed to leave because a new episode of Glee was coming on.  We always watch Glee together!!!  What should I do???

Dear Amy,

 Wow, I thought these questions were actually going to be hard.  Amy, if there's one thing you gotta understand, it's that I created a world rife with unspoken rules and laws.  You made the move and suggested getting more physical, which is what caused this entire mess.  You questioned his masculinity, and therefore he's all like "I'm going to watch this really horrible show tailored to homosexuals" when he's really going to the titty bar and losing his paycheck.  Next time you see him let him whip you across the face with the braided hairs of a stallion three times and I'll think about not sending you straight to hell.

Paul

24 years old

has nightmares about sonic the hedgehog eating his brain

Dear God,

  
I haven't had a girlfriend in a really long time.  I don't like going to the bars, and online dating has been a dead end as well.  I find myself too introverted to strike up a conversation with any woman that I find even slightly attractive.  Any suggestions?

Dear Paul,

What the fuck do you think I created musical instruments for?  Take a good, hard look at guys like Gene Simmons or Keith Richards and tell me I put them on this planet for reproduction.  Learn thirty seconds of "Crash Into Me" by Dave Matthews and then we'll talk.  Until then, go find a goat somewhere and sacrifice it to me for asking such a dumb question.

Diana

36 years old

technically has a tail

Dear God,

  

My family (specifically my mother) is getting insistent that me and my husband should start having a family as soon as possible.  I still feel like my best years are ahead of me and that having kids is probably not going to happen anytime soon, if at all.  What should I tell them?  I think my mom might have a heart attack if she hears we aren't interested in babies!!!

Dear Diana,

  

Now is not the time for jokes.  When I was putting parts on the human body, I didn't look at the genitals and go "oh man, I hope that they eventually get clever and stop using it for procreation and start using it as a happy pleasure center".  You think this is a game?  You think I'm cool with the killing of countless sperm on a daily basis for laughs?  There are little souls in there man, that I created.........and now those souls march in purgatory, unable to help me in my endless war with the devil.  What if one of those dudes was at the final battle and took a demon bullet for me?  Huh?  How about that?  Your child could have saved the lord!  Imagine how hooked up you could have been!  You could have had a $20,000 Dolce bag and your own butler!!! Or maybe you would spawn the Antichrist and send the earth spiraling towards judgement day?  Tell your mother this and see if that calms her down at all.  Good luck!

{That's all for now!  Remember, I love you eternally, but don't piss me off and covet thy neighbor's wife.  There's a reason I made it a commandment.}

The Dismemberment Plan.....Uh......Plan New Album "Uncanny Valley"

Experimental indie rockers "The Dismemberment Plan" made a surprise announcement this morning, officially stating that they are making a new album and giving it the title of "Uncanny Valley". The release date is set for October 15th.

This will be their first new album since their 2001 release, "Change".

Tracklist:

1. No One's Saying Nothing

2. Waiting

3. Invisible

4. White Collar White Trash

5. Living In Song

6. Lookin'

7. Daddy Was A Real Good Dancer

8. Mexico City Christmas

9. Go And Get It

10. Let's Just Go To The Dogs Tonight


Needless to say, this is really good news. I wonder what changes are bound to happen to their music after 12 years apart? Maybe they are just going to record Joe Easley doing a 50 minute drum solo and call it a day? I would buy the shit out of that.

Sigur Rós - Brennisteinn

If you haven't listened to the new Sigur Rós record Kveikur then you have some explaining to do. While still undeniably the same band with Jonsi continuing to make lyrics in the fashion of whatever mystical land of ponies and cotton candy he's from, it's immediately more agressive; brimming with darker undertones than anything they've done in the past. It pays off in making one of their more interesting works in years.  The first song of the new album, Brennisteinn, is evidence of that.

I dig it when dudes/chicks play a guitar with a violin bow though (Jimmy Page ring a bell?  He has nothing to do with this band), so I feel a little bit like I have to like this song for that reason at the very least.  I also like the video because it's in that category of "i'm probably too stupid to get the underlying metaphors but I'll be damned if that yellow smoke doesn't look pretty cool", which is basically every music video ever made. Mariah Carey made some pretty good ones back in the day. Fantasy?  Jesus Christ.......Honey?  HONEY?

I wonder what Eddie Griffin is getting into these days? Oh well, I'm pretty sure I hit puberty at exactly the same time this was released. Thank you 90's MTV, thank you.

Video Spotlight: Princess Music

Check out this killer live version of Wounded Walrus by Denver's very own Princess Music.  We've been down with them for a while and think it's time you got on board as well.  Get out your tiaras and your bell gowns and have a listen!

Award For Best Commercials Of All-Time Goes To TotalBeverage.net

We here at RebelBros like to reward ourselves (on a daily basis) with a few drinks at the end of the night for making it through yet another vapid, soul-sucking, emotionally destroying spin around the earth.  Sometimes we also like to watch public access television at 2:30 in the morning and dream of whimsical parallel universes where they only show commercials for totalbeverage.net, because they are fucking insane.

Honestly I still don't know how to verbally express myself when it comes to the emotions that are stirred inside of me when I watch this.  Confusion, pure joy, anger at every other advertisement for not being this batshit crazy, then more confusion.  I seriously sat in shock in front of the television, looking with wide-eyed amazement at how deeply totalbeverage had fucked my brain.

You can't deny the craftsmanship of this ilk.  It's almost like a master woodworker building a canoe, or a castrated 12-year old boy singing soprano in a choir.  Everything just comes together and fits like the pieces of a puzzle.



So congratulations guys! I doubt I will ever shop at your store because it's in Thornton which is pretty far, but I totally would if it were like a couple blocks from my apartment.  I present to you this picture of the Heisman Trophy, which is probably the most thoughtful gift I have ever given anyone (sorry mom, those earrings are cubic zirconium).  Hopefully we can expect more psychosis from them in the near future. Cheers!  Not the show, which I like, just..........okay, I meant the show.

Welcome To Rebel Bros!!!

So here we are, the first post on what will one day be the greatest blog in human history.  I say this knowing that dolphins will eventually gain the ability to blog and probably come up with some pretty awesome shit.  Maybe it's all about eating herring but I'll be damned if it won't be the best website about it you will ever see.  So whatever, until that point in time this is as good as it's going to get, guaranteed.

You might be asking yourself, "I wonder what this blog is going to be about?  Who are these mysterious brothers of rebellion and what do they bring to the table?"

Do you like music?  Of course you do, you're not a robot made of ones and zeros walking around; trying to put your mechanical seed into any unsuspecting woman you come across, right?  Because those assholes hate music big time.  You know who else hates it?  That guy that cut in front of you at the ice cream parlor and took the last two scoops of birthday cake ice cream.  Yeah, that motherfucker.

What about movies? Who doesn't love to sit back, relax, and put on some pornography for hours on end? You don't think porn classifies as cinema?  You've obviously never seen Ass Doctor II: The Doctor Is In......Your Ass. 

How about video games?  Nothing is better than having some dudes who are barely competent enough to feed themselves telling you what to play and what you should avoid!

Books? I have a library card, I swear to god, and so does Checker, cards that we actually use. Granted, I've read one entire book from start to finish since I got it, but it was like over 500 pages, which my parents found impressive.  What's even more impressive is that I can do fifty pushups without stopping.  Seriously.

At the end of the day, we are going to blog about what we like; plain and simple.  Our tastes are ever-changing and eclectic, and we promise it will only be boring 30% of the time.  The rest will be (hopefully) entertaining and original  thoughts about products and media on the fringe of creativity.

Join the brotherhood (ladies included) and let's get this show on the road!