Hey there, fellow brethren! We here at Rebelbros understand that the dating game can be a cruel world filled with transvestites and broken condoms, so who better to offer advice than the big man upstairs? That's right, G-O-D in the mothafuckin hizzzzzouse answering your questions about life and love! Let's get right down to business and see what he's got in store this week with God's Corner!
Amy
26 years old
urinated on an electric fence at age 7
Dear God,
Last night I wanted to make things more exciting for my boyfriend, so I told him I thought we should move from holding hands to kissing on the mouth. He became clearly agitated at this suggestion, and shut down almost immediately. I tried to get him to talk to me but he just insisted he needed to leave because a new episode of Glee was coming on. We always watch Glee together!!! What should I do???
Dear Amy,
Wow, I thought these questions were actually going to be hard. Amy, if there's one thing you gotta understand, it's that I created a world rife with unspoken rules and laws. You made the move and suggested getting more physical, which is what caused this entire mess. You questioned his masculinity, and therefore he's all like "I'm going to watch this really horrible show tailored to homosexuals" when he's really going to the titty bar and losing his paycheck. Next time you see him let him whip you across the face with the braided hairs of a stallion three times and I'll think about not sending you straight to hell.
Paul
24 years old
has nightmares about sonic the hedgehog eating his brain
Dear God,
I haven't had a girlfriend in a really long time. I don't like going to the bars, and online dating has been a dead end as well. I find myself too introverted to strike up a conversation with any woman that I find even slightly attractive. Any suggestions?
Dear Paul,
What the fuck do you think I created musical instruments for? Take a good, hard look at guys like Gene Simmons or Keith Richards and tell me I put them on this planet for reproduction. Learn thirty seconds of "Crash Into Me" by Dave Matthews and then we'll talk. Until then, go find a goat somewhere and sacrifice it to me for asking such a dumb question.
Diana
36 years old
technically has a tail
Dear God,
My family (specifically my mother) is getting insistent that me and my husband should start having a family as soon as possible. I still feel like my best years are ahead of me and that having kids is probably not going to happen anytime soon, if at all. What should I tell them? I think my mom might have a heart attack if she hears we aren't interested in babies!!!
Dear Diana,
Now is not the time for jokes. When I was putting parts on the human body, I didn't look at the genitals and go "oh man, I hope that they eventually get clever and stop using it for procreation and start using it as a happy pleasure center". You think this is a game? You think I'm cool with the killing of countless sperm on a daily basis for laughs? There are little souls in there man, that I created.........and now those souls march in purgatory, unable to help me in my endless war with the devil. What if one of those dudes was at the final battle and took a demon bullet for me? Huh? How about that? Your child could have saved the lord! Imagine how hooked up you could have been! You could have had a $20,000 Dolce bag and your own butler!!! Or maybe you would spawn the Antichrist and send the earth spiraling towards judgement day? Tell your mother this and see if that calms her down at all. Good luck!
{That's all for now! Remember, I love you eternally, but don't piss me off and covet thy neighbor's wife. There's a reason I made it a commandment.}
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