Sunday Sabbath Edition: God's Corner III

He's back, fellow brethren!  That's right, the big man upstairs is up in the hizzy to answer questions that are burning deep within your soul!  Take a seat, grab some communion wafers, and enjoy this third edition of God's Corner!



Hey everybody!  Hope you are all grateful to be alive for another glorious day on my watch!  Getting some great feedback about the column and it seems pretty much universal that I need to be a lot tougher on the people who I'm giving advice to.  I love too much, you could say.....it's probably my biggest fault by leaps and bounds.  You guys are my special little snowflakes, man.  I sacrificed my only child just so you guys can do horrible things and have them wiped from your conscience worry-free.  Unfortunately, sympathy does not make great dating advice when it's overdone.  I'm not foolish, and I'll try my best not to sugarcoat the facts anymore.

So with that, let's get right down to brass tax and start answering some questions....

Alicia

20 years old

lives in a cave

Dear God,

  My boyfriend is starting to get upset that we don't get intimate enough.  I'm still a virgin and plan to keep it that way until I'm married.  Are there other ways for me to take care of him without having full blown intercourse?  I don't want him to leave me because I don't cater to his sexual needs!

Dear Alicia,

  I think that you are basically asking me if there any loopholes in my unquestionably ironclad laws of man...............................

................and you came to the right place, is all I gotta say.  You two kids go crazy with anything that involves fingers, mouths or buttholes and I will gladly turn a blind eye (no masturbating each other though if you're Catholic).  Hopefully you will one day be married under my divine light, and then immediately stop having sex within a year of your union unless it's a birthday or the super bowl. That there is a real sacred union, my friends.

Michael

25 years old

still afraid of monsters under the bed

Dear God,

  I've started to notice that I can't have an orgasm anymore under normal circumstances.  Lately I've started getting into auto-erotic asphyxiation, and I'm scared that one of these times I'm going to end up in the hospital, or even worse.  I  don't want to keep endangering my life, but at the same time I feel as though I will never be able to get back to where I was before.  What should I do?

Dear Michael,

  This is obviously a tough situation that you're in.  Also, this is a great example of why I don't give every species thumbs because you'd all eventually end up just trying to find ways to play with yourselves to the brink of death.  I suggest that you seek out other people who are into this horrifying fetish you are into and try to network with them, maybe start a website about it or somethi........and disregard all this because Michael just accidentally killed himself.  Have fun in hell bro, you know I'm not too lenient with the suicide thing.  Sorry :(

Judy

23 years old

think ireland is an american state

Dear God,

  Why are there no good guys left out there for me?  It seems like all the men I'm attracted to already have girlfriends.  Why are you making it so hard on us single ladies, big guy?  Are you available by chance ;=)????

Dear Judy,

  If I had a dime for every lady that has wanted to shack up with your holiness, then I'd have an infinite amount of dimes because god is love, baby.  Unfortunately, you couldn't even gaze upon my feet without bursting into flames instantaneously, so that's out of the question.

The problem here is that there are plenty of great guys out there, but they see that you are a horned harlot of the night and wouldn't sleep with you for all the golden trumpets in god's kingdom.  You know how many golden trumpets I have?  Like thirty or whatever but in today's economy with gold prices going the way they are......that's like $30,000, which is a lot of money.  I'm sure if you were going to church every Sunday like I asked you'd be like "dear god, my model boyrfriend Balthazar is too fertile for my loins" and I'd be all "BURN IN THE PITS OF HELL YOU WINGED SUCCUBUS OF SATAN" and evaporate you or something.  I can get a little carried away sometimes when I've had too much sugar.

{Submit your questions in prayer before you go to bed tonight and maybe you will see your question in my column!!!  See ya later!}