Bow Woah.

The Politics Of Fido. 

So ok, your diameter octuples when you have a dog on a leash. Take that into consideration. Also, if you're sitting eating a burrito in Chipotle looking out the glass at your dog, tethered to a hitching post, barking, barking, barking her fucking face off, you should probably go get her. Burritos after all, are portable. Also, hair travels, poop requires plastic bags, and pee pee makes grass ochre. Also, your dog is always in someone's way. Refer back to the first sentence of this essay. 

But there's a turn! 
Shyamalaned, bitches. 
Which either means A. There's a cute moppet kid character in this diatribe or B. it's the twist thing. 

Well I recently acquired a lovely dog due to star-crossed lovership. Yes madams and scoundrels, the person you thought abhorred the K9 kind is actually a new man! I was the dude eating a burrito watching my dog bark incessantly at me through Chipotle's window. What did I say when two blonde women judgmentally asked 'geez, that your dog barking?' 
'No,' I said. 'She's woofing.' 

Having a creature of the Cerberus persuasion is all about manners, people. Dog etiquette. Refer to Emily Post's 18th edition of Etiquette, find 'dog' in the index. Guess what it says about being a proper, respectable dog owner: BE A PROPER, RESPECTABLE DOG OWNER. Clean up after your dog. Minimize spacial invasion and barking. Don't be a scumbag. If there's anything more, throw me a Scooby Snack--zing!